denise

Last night I had my heart broken.  It was sure, swift.  It was nothing I expected.  But the feeling was faintly familiar — a shadow, a memory, a moment in time that I thought I have long forgotten.

Last night my world went crashing down.  leaving me naked, vulnerable.  With the fear that things would never be the same again….  The comfort of afternoon tea in fine china, tinkling into comfortable afternoons… A vase full of delicate, colorful blooms… The china, the vase..they have all gone crashing down the floor, liquid forming into a puddle as dark and dreary as my emotions..dark pools, as dark and sure as the misery I am swimming in….

Last night my heart got broken.  But the world continued its inexorable turn..oblivious to the pain that I was going through…unwavering in its committment to make life move on — one painful day after another, with you but without who I thought you were.

How easy my world falls and fails me.  How easy to say that I really don’t care.  How easy to let everything go and just allow my world to revolve around you.  How easy?  Yet, how uncertain, and defining would that moment be?

As sure as things may never be the same, one realization stands in stark clarity today: I am scared of completely letting go.  I keep my emotions at bay, like a bag that I keep packed…ready for that moment that I would have to move (on) again. Ready, so that I may be able to take something along with me in the end.

An allusion to something inanimate.  Yet, how do I explain?  Do you wish to conquer me so fully that I leave nothing to myself?  That I keep nothing of myself? Do you do this and assure me that things are bright for our future? That I will not be alone, grasping at faint threads of my sense of self?  Or do you wish to take me fully, that I will even cease to know who I was, even more unsure of who I have been?

I was woken from a dark, dreamful state.  It is only now that I realize that I wish to return to that bliss.  But I have waken, and the dream is gone. 

All that’s left is a faint reminder, a kaleidoscope of memories.  Moments defined — as sharp as a yesterday I wish I could’ve forgotten…  All that’s left are pieces of a dream.

03072007/ 12:01 a.m./ Wednesday

(originally posted at my multiply account (http://denz05me.multiply.com)

How’s it being in-love?

Is it that heart-pounding, head-bursting giddiness?  Is it that lip-splitting, over-the-top grin that one gets each time?

Love is…

Anxiety.  Over that special someone, each and everytime he/she goes out of your sight.  Who knows what might happen during those times, right?  And you wait for the time he/she gets back again, praying to high heavens that a replacement hasn’t been found yet.

Relief. That you’ve found the one you thought you’d wait all your life for in futility.  That, through all the wrong combination of men/women that have passed your ife, the right one would really, actually come along, and you know both know it with utter certainty.

Surreal.  Isn’t it?  And you just can’t believe that its right in front of you, you’re experiencing it, reveling in its rose-hued world.  That "walking on clouds" feeling fills up your everyday.  And days have its way of turning out right all the time.

Gratitude.  Because you’ve been praying for this thing all your life, without any clue as to when and where (if ever) it would arrive that you just have to pray again when it arrives.

Fatalistic.  If this is heaven.  Then you’re dead.  Simple as that (hehe!).

Well, okay.  I am not the perfect source for these stuff.  But I just couldn’t help it, heart’s day is just around the corner and tomorrow I’d once again be surrounded by giddy couples, or men looking silly because of the boquets they’d be holding and the balloons that they’d somehow have to conspiciously bring to wherever without their girls knowing.  Or, the other side of the spectrum.  I’d soon as now get over seeing all these girls get dressed up for their valentine’s day/date.  Like, isn’t everyday a reason for celebrating your love with each other?  And you have to celebrate it along with everyone else in the world?  Now how’s that for uniqueness.

I remember starting to write sumthing last for last year’s v-day.  It goes like this:

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Heart’s day!

My least favorite day of the year.  One I’ve been dreading for years past and one I think I will not look forward to in the years to come.

You may ask me why.  The truth is, I don’t know.  And it doesn’t make any difference whether I’m currently together with someone or not.  But I made a list of the various points (which may or may not be up for discussion,hehe!) regarding my aversion to the said date.  Read on…

RESTO QUEUS: Think of this.  You are desperately in need of good food.  But all restaurants have waiting lists a mile long because everybody else have suddenly decided to take their significant others out.  Particularly bothersome most specially if you don’t have a particular romantically-significant somebody with you…

MUSH ALERT: Everywhere. Just everywhere there are people going all mushy with each other.  I am not against PDA stuff (I am quite guilty of this too sometimes…)  but there’s a certain threshold to my capacity for seeing all those sweet nothings being exchanged between two obviously in-love individuals.  Hey, my blood sugar’s too high already! hehe :)  And yes, it still doesn’t help if you get caught up between two lovebirds at that "alone" moment of your life….

FLOWER POWER: Again.  I love flowers.  But flower prices at this day of the year reach exorbitant heights.  Suddenly, everyone’s holding a long-stemmed beauty or an equally exquisite bouquet.  White, red, yellow, blue, pink, peach… you suddenly just have to look up via google what each color represents and then moan in agony after finding out that yellow means "friendship" or whatever.  It doesn’t help also that you might not get a lively bunch to compare with others.  I mean, yeah, Heart’s day is overrated, but can’t a guy atleast comply with the norms??  Or, then again, equally disturbing is being asked to help that guy friend in buying flowers as a surprise gift to his significant other (like, hello! it is not a surprise…they are expecting you to give something!), and then again not receiving your own bunch after so much goodwill and friendly effort.  How sad diba? 

DRESS-UP DAY: It doesn’t matter if you’re going out with your special someone for a special event/date.  It doesn’t even matter if you are way past or not yet even up to that age where dating, holding-hands, kissing-like-lovers, is acceptable and/or allowable.  Nooo…just about everyone will be wearing their "Sunday’s best" or a special blouse, or, worse yet - a red top or dress, to celebrate v-day.  And the offices??  Why do they have to suspend uniform compliance on v-day??    And the guys, of course they’d be in their best jeans/slacks, their polos, and newly washed/shined shoes…ughh….

DISAPPOINTMENTS: Yes.  With all the hype and the expectations that v-day is, and more, some people can’t help but be disappointed each time these aren’t met.  Girls can’t help it, even guys can’t help it.  So guy does his very best to make v-day a special one for his girl (sweating and doling out money to make sure that girl is pleased - so that he won’t have to sweat more and dole more money out if and when she is not…) and then girl find that the efforts fall short of what she has painted in the clouds during listless days where the only other option is daydreaming.  So girl is sad, guy gets sad, and guy will have to end up sweating it up more, and…oh well…

So there…a mouthful from me.  Yep, you guessed it right.  Tomorrow is V-day again, and it would be what, about 4 years (or more?) in a row that I’d be going home early on this day.  No, it’s not by chance that I am alone on this particular day.  It’s more of a choice.  I’d rather not be facing all the hassle that I associate with this day, when love - I think, could be celebrated 364 days and ways more….

And no, I am no pessimist.  I am a romantic realist - if ever there was one.  I’m also a deviant, which explains why I choose to wear black each vday.  Some other Valentine’s day, I might indulge my corny and wacko side and wear something pink - or red (though red and me don’t mix much…).  But for now, I’ll content myself with keeping my romance fantasies private - and wilth helping make my friends’ fantasies a reality (yep, I love helping up with the "surprising" of my friend’s S.O.s hehe).

And hey, I don’t mind getting flowers on this date, who would mind diba?  But the element of surprise is the oomph factor that I’m looking for.  If I expect it (the way all girls expect it on vday), then it means that it would just be an "obligation" and not a profession of undying love.  Well anyway…enough with blowing everybody else’s bubble..Happy heart’s day everyone!

There are a lot of things I’ve been thinking (and wanting) to do, and here are a few (if not all) of them:

Things I want to learn ito…

1. Learn how to drive

2. Learn how to dive (and it rhymes too!)

3. Learn how to ride waves without help (and for more than just a few seconds)

4. Learn to wakeboard

6. Learn to skin dive also.

7. Learn how to write and speak Japanese

8. Learn Spanish, French, or…Chinese (hehe)

9. Learn (or do) yoga…

Yun lang muna..bglang nag auto-shutdown ang utak ko..

Hehe, parang I have too much time on my hands now ah… kaya eto, susulat nalang ako ng kahit ano, para masaya

1. Honestly, what color is your bra? black

2. Honestly, what’s on your mind? anu kya gimik ko later? ano kaya magandang movie…

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? Eto, nanggagaya ng friendster post kay Seppie, tapus nag-iisip kung ano ba talagang substantial ang dapat ko talagang ginagawa…(procrastinating, in other words)

4. Honestly, do you think you are attractive? no. I just think im NOT unattractive. gets?

5. Honestly, have you done something bad today? if arriving very late sa office is bad, well then yes

6. Honestly, do you watch Disney channel? no. walang cable sa bahay eh

7. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? uhh…no. I don’t see any reason for being jealous eh..

8. Honestly, what makes you happy all of the time? yung nagkakasundo mga tao sa paligid ko, tipong walang undercurrents.

9. Honestly, do you bite your nails? no. hangnails..well,that’s a different issue, hehe

10. Honestly, do you wanna see someone right now? uhm.yes.

11. Honestly, when was the last time you had Taco Bell? I’m not sure how long ago that was, but it’s within this year.

12. Honestly, are you in denial? over what? hehe, tell me what first…heehee!

13. Honestly, where would you rather be right now? hoooomeee….

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Anger Section

1. What do you do when you’re mad? i start getting quiet. and then I cuss at myself hehe

2. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad? no, I don’t think so. Well, not at my face at least.(does my kinder karate-chop-at-the-slide incident count? hehe)

3. Do you swear when you’re mad? yeah.

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Crying Section

1. When was the last time you cried? Uhmm…Sept. 1 hehe

2. Do you still cry when you get an injury? it depends on the degree of pain

3. What usually makes you cry? sad movies, sad stories, happy stories, very funny events (in short, I cry easily)

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Happy Section

1. Are you usually a happy person? yes. bungisngis

2. What can make you happy?good food, good company, small stuff easily set me off. the smell of freshly mown grass, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the waves, crickets’ sound at night, stars..hay dami!

3. Are you one of those people that think they are ugly? Not "ugly" as in naman. no.

Came across this in one of my former schoolmate’s blog. I thought, how interesting, can I do that too? Well, it’s worth trying. Anyway, I stopped myself from reading her blog entry (baka makopya ko eh, heehee!)

100. I am selectively OC. There are some stuff I can live without doing, there are others that would give me hell if I don’t do. And these things aren’t necessarily categorized as "more important" and "less important" - they mix and match like the devil may care.

99. I hate walking along long halls with people on both sides. I become "conscious" of my every move eh…call it the paranoid me.

98. One OC thing: mismatched clothes. If I wear something I don’t feel comfortable in coz I feel they don’t match, I wouldn’t feel right the whole day (breaks my day, what can I say)

97. I love writing. Much, much more than I love talking.

96. (more on the writing) I feel like I have potential at times, but most of the time I’m more convinced that I’m just kidding myself.

95. When I am asked to do something that I would really have done anyway (naunahan lang ng 5 seconds,tipong ganun) or that I am in the process of doing na, I get really irritated.

94. I have low EQ. The only time my EQ is high is when I am faced with delectable crustaceans. Then, only then am I able to stop myself (kung wlang gamot, or kung konti lang… basta, there’s a science to this, believe me hehe)

93. Math is an enjoyable subject.

92. I still am not sure why I took econ. And sometimes, I am unsure what my mindset was during college.

91. The only time that I felt I really started to mature was after my stint at Citibank.

90. I fantasize about love too much.

89. I have a love-hate relationship with being the object of stares.

88. My worst critic is myself.

87. I also have a love-hate relationship with my mom.

86. Dark, cloudy, and windy days appeal to me. (Dec-Jan/Feb weather).

85. There’s something poetic about falling leaves and piled up orange leaves on the pavement that makes me feel surreal each time.

84. I loved marvel cards, NBA cards, jolens, tex, streetfighter cards…

83. Dampa, tex, agawan base, patintero, prikidam 1-2-3, taguan. These were what summer was all about.

82. Bahay-bahayan was in putting up with the norms. I got bored easily with it, although I have to admit that playing roles was fun.

81. I’m a bookworm hampered by financial constraints.

80. I like going to bookstores and reading the book covers (about the author, summary, etc.)

79. I hate the feeling that I am not doing anything because others might think that its because I’m incompetent.

78. I hate feeling incompetent, for that matter.

77. I am scared of trying new things.

76. Going to motels present some sort of stigma for me. Motels connote you-know-what. That’s why.

75. I used to get a spanking because I was too lazy to take a bath.

74. I idolized my grandfather and his achievements so much – until now.

73. I thought I already met E.T., in the antique room of my grandparent’s house. Until now, the memory can vividly play in my mind.

72. Another memory I can’t seem to erase – my grandfather combing my hair (with lola’s tan comb) after giving me a bath, and saying I have beautiful hair (that’s because I thought I was giving him a hard time, with my hair all tangled up and hard to comb).

71. They say all these stories about me and my grandfather, but the best memory I had was attending his sister’s funeral at Orion, Bataan and crying (like he was going to leave me!) when he left the car to join the procession.

70. I cried when my grandparents went to the states. But I rarely spared them time through letters.

69. I loved my grandfather dearly, but oftentimes I felt that he saw through me each time we talk and he didn’t like what he saw.

68. I danced ballet during gradeschool.

67. I thought I was going to grow up a ballerina for sure.

66. I am more than a trifle insecure about certain aspects of my self.

65. I had two birthday parties in senior kinder. One in school, one at home. And I still remember choosing my cake with my dad at Merced Baker.

64. I snuck out of class during grade one (with my friend Alpine) because we got so preoccupied with playing pretend sa mountain ng jasms

63. I was so insecure during gradeschool.

62. I used to cry a lot nung gradeschool - my classmates teased me incessantly and called me “kalawang”.

61. I’ve already made peace with my skin color (at times, I prefer being dark-er panga eh)

60. I feel prettiest coming fresh from the beach, hehe I dunno why eh.

59. I daydream about dressing up in all these pretty dresses all the time but in reality I’d rather live without them

58. For a while didn’t like the thought of being told that I’m dressing up extra special

57. Saddest moments of my life: highschool and college graduation rites

56. You can leave me in a house alone, and as long as I have good books and equally good music, I wouldn’t even be aware of the time.

55. I almost thought I wanted to be a nun – 3rd year highschool/ 4th year hs retreat at Batulao, Batangas.

54. I dream of getting married at the Don Bosco Chapel in Batulao (sa retreat house) when the fog has rolled down and carpeted the pavement I’ll be walking on.

53. Eating is something I really LOVE to do.

52. When I eat too much chocolate, I have difficulty breathing.

51. Even some types of fabric can give me the hives.

50. I am allergic to shellfish, and other seafoods. But I can eat salt water fish for 1-2 days straight without needing my medicine.

49. With no medicine, give me one shrimp and I come close to dying.

48. I once thought I wouldn’t get my medicine in time (I ate sugpo), and was close to struggling coz I couldn’t breathe.

47. I love taekwondo, and I still dream of becoming a blackbelter.

46. I hate being prejudiced because I am female.

45. Yet, I love being pampered for the same reason (for being female).

44. There are many faces, names, events that I remember of my gradeschool days, but there are more people I don’t remember during high school.

43. I am in love with love.

42. I dream incessantly of Mr. Right, though he is not in sight at the moment.

41. I recently found myself obsessed with girly stuff.

40. I am claustrophobic.

39. I love coffee and raspberry tea/frappe.

38. More than my love for coffee is my love of going in coffee shops alone and doing my own thing while drinking my coffee.

37. I love pastas in white sauce, puttanesca, pesto.

36. Yes, pizza and beer do go together.

35. I was too caught up with trying to be a toughie back in college.

34. I break easily.

33. I cry much faster.

32. An old man struggling to ride jeeps/buses make me soooo sad.

31. I never imagined myself as one of those superheroes I read about, or the beauty queens. Rather, I imagine myself an Olympic gold medalist.

30. I still would love to learn basketball.

29. Volleyball doesn’t sound as appealing to me as no. 30.

28. I dream of becoming multilingual and becoming a super brainiac

27. I plan on taking my doctorate in some other country.

26. I am scared that I would never find Mr. Right (this keeps me up at night, sometimes)

25. I am more scared that I’d end up with Mr. Wrong and then find Mr. Right.

24. I am not sure if I am really capable of falling in love. Though I am unsure why I think so (ewan, its complicated.)

23. The one person that I truly am unbiasedly sure I love is my best friend. And my family.

22. I get sleepless nights when I become paranoid about sounds (again, the paranoid me)

21. I ego-trip on the feeling of “being wanted” (uhmm…not that way, just wanted as in preferred company, kausap, mga ganun. ksp complex ata tawag dito…)

20. I love working hard.

19. I also love partying hard, going on adventure trips

18. I am scared of swimming in peaceful lakes much more than in the ocean, don’t ask me why.

17. I tried to diet once (doctor’s orders) and I thought all my hair would fall off.

16. I dream of having body scrubs at the spa.

15. I fantasize being able to wear sexy stuff (hindi bagay eh, hehe!)

14. I am a scaredy-cat, a worry-wart

13. I am corny, I get off on the smallest things.

12. I love hearing good conversation, well-put puns, witty remarks.

11. I am scared of intellectual discussions, I feel that I might not be able to contribute substantially to them

10. I really do love NASC II, I swear.

9. And I loved math 17 too.

8. I only truly started enjoying econ when I started taking my specialization courses and electives.

7. My first boyfriend was my first love. Which sorta negates a previous item.

6. I am scared to love again.

5. Since my first one-length haircut during grade 2 (with lolo), it is only now that I have bangs.

4. I can survive on 2 hrs or less of sleep (in 48 hours).

3. Even if I like someone, I would never do anything about it. Never.

2. I can still remember “Perfect Strangers” opening song… “don’t worry be happy…doooo,dooodoorooorooo…”

1. I get a kick out of being able to help other people.

I have never been this conscious of my body as I am now - well, not in four years that is!  You might be starting to ask: "Conscious? How?"  Hehe, simple: I am aware of every part of my body - it seems that each muscle/bone/joint or whatever is screaming because of overexertion.

I like it! Haha, it brings out the sadist in me.  Sadist, machochist, whatever :)  Four years ago, I stopped training for taekwondo.  Four very eventful years have passed without any hardcore physical activity on my part, and then suddenly (on a whim) I decided to go to my highschool’s gym to attend my first instructor’s Saturday training session.

I briefly recall (sorry, that event sorta erased some short term memory, heehee!) contemplating on bringing my arm/shin guards and deciding finally to bring them along (although thinking that I wouldn’t get to use them anyway).  When I got there, I was asked to join the training line, my instructor saying : "don’t worry, kickings lang naman eh" and because I was really eager to start kicking again, I didn’t hesitate and said yes (excitedly, mind you!) thinking that i’d just be faced with the kickpads.  Hehe, wonders of wonders (of course, things didn’t end as expected!), it was moving-forward armor kickings whew!

And of course, I absorbed my share of kicks too (on the armor, arm, hand,thigh..etc.etc..) and it was a very familiar "welcome back" for me.  Yes, I sound delighted don’t I?  Unsurprisingly, yeeeesss Heehee, I missed it A LOT!  I’m now quite unsure why I stopped getting into that natural high (I loooove it!) hehehe.

Now, I have to deal with my battered body hahaha!  But, I’m facing it grinning.  I can’t seem to stop smiling, heehee

Oh happy daaaay! Yes, it is a different kind of awareness.  I am back with my first love and I am most definitely totally in love again!

Was raring to go to Cebu this weekend.  Sadly, the plans did not materialize.  Oh well, hopefully, we’d get to do it by third week of October…  Now, I am sufficiently disappointed and (understandably, i hope) my deflated bubble is getting in the way of doing all the stuff here at the office and for school.

Vacation! I need one badly.  I’m caught in a fast life and I’m living it to the hilt.  Point is, I feel like I’m getting run over at times, overworked, over-hype, over-fatigue.  Hehe, yep!  Two hours of sleep daily for the past month or so hasn’t done wonders to my persona.  Don’t blame me, blame it on the stress.

I’m way past sleepy this time.  I feel like I’m working asleep.  Sleep-working if there ever was a word as such.  I arrived at the office way too early.  I need my lunch break already, to recharge.  Hoohuuummmm…

Maybe some Coke will do me good..hmmm….

Sleep.

Yep, that’s what I feel like having right now.  Atleast 1 whole day of bumming around would be really good, but where I would get it I am not sure.  I seem to have too much events lined up, all equally important and urgent.  Well, almost all, that is

But I’m really sleepy right now.  Even while I’m typing this, my eyes are trying to close…  There’s something about sleeplessness that provides for a "dreamlike" quality to my surroundings.  Maybe because I’m half asleep already, hehe

I wish I’d get atleast one weekend.  Just one, so I can recharge my mind and body and maybe catch up to everything….

Okay! So I changed venues. I’m away from the luxuriously carpeted halls and rooms of the Makati Shangri-la.  Now I ask myself: what the heck is different?  The answer? NOTHING.  Absolutely NOTHING.

Now, I am here at the office, working my butt off as usual, trying to squeeze in all stuff for our budget hearing tomorrow - I mean, LATER.  Yep, its 12:50 in the morning.  Again, no respite in sight.  I still have to do all the stuff I need for later’s group consultation with Prof. Liwag.  I seem to be living a double life.  Or, rather, I seem to be trying too hard to squeeze work for two people in one person’s time-mine.

Social life, I miss you! Hehe, geez…. I can’t even seem to have time to think of my heart heehee!  Oh well, good then.  Atleast its having time to settle down and wallow in that certain lonely spot called ALONENESS.  If ever there’s such a word…and if there is…who the heck created that freakin’ word??

Oh well…hoohuuummmm……..

I did change venues.  I’m still doing the same old stuff - I’m catching time, squeezing in work and wishing that there’d be more than 24 hours to this day.  Haay….. where’s a time-shifter or something when we need it huh?

1. Have a week-long rest/relaxation.

2. Sleep all day/all week..

3. Have a complete day’s meal.

4. Drink lots and lots of water.

5. Finish my CLUP/SEP/CDP portion.

6. Brace myself for the upcoming 10th AMME.

7. Tend to some personal business.

8. Drink less coffee (or drink none at all).

9. Drink vitamins.

10. Fix my broken heart (hehe, kelangan talaga ito weeee!)